Which is the Worst Halloween Candy and Why is it Candy Corn
Marge: Children, you can have one piece of candy tonight and save the rest for…
Marge: If you eat too much, you’ll have nightmares.
– Treehouse of Horror II
Thoughts On Food | -
Halloween is pretty much cancelled this year. For most people anyway, as I’m sure there are plenty of people who think the scariest thing about a pandemic is not getting free candy. I am (almost) one of those people, but that’s what November 1 is for. That day brings, not free candy, but half-priced candy and that’s good enough for Homer so it’s good enough for me.
However, let’s talk about a real hot button issue for once, shall we? You know what I’m getting at? Which is the worst Halloween candy (according to me) and why exactly are those candies so terrible. Finally, getting into some content on this blog that truly matters!
Anything that’s NOT actually candy is the worst “candy”. This includes items like dental hygiene products (why?), fruit, homemade snacks (because I was never allowed to actually eat them) and anything else that doesn’t include sugar and/or corn syrup as the first ingredient.
Things You Have to Chew or Take Too Long to Eat
- Gum: I can appreciate that brief, wonderful 20 seconds when you start chewing a Double Bubble or Bazooka Gum. After all, it’s time to spit this crap out and move on with your life.
- Taffy: Look, I need to shove as much candy into my mouth in as short a time as possible. I don’t have the patience to savor terrible, bland taffy.
- Lollipops: Only acceptable after getting a shot from a medical professional. Otherwise, keep these out of my pillowcase.
Barely Edible, but Technically Candy
- Smarties / Rockets: fun fact, in the US, they’re called Smarties and in Canada they’re called Rockets and Smarties are chocolate and…the whole thing is reversed in Mexico I think? Does this have something to do with cider? Either way, chalk coated with sugar that’s different colors is gross no matter what you call it.
- Tootsie Rolls: they look like poop, but don’t taste like poop. But they do taste terrible.
- Circus Peanuts: I suspect the last time these candies were popular was when the circus was a thing people regularly attended.
- Candy Corn: who likes this candy? Why? How?? Some many questions, actually that’s probably all my questions. But still.
What I actually want: Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups / Peanut M&M’s / Snickers / Wunderbar. Basically if the candy has peanuts in it I will be sent to the Principal’s office to eat them around every hour or so.