Ned: Well, if God didn’t make little green apples, it’s Homer Simpson! How long have you been here?
Homer: Twenty of the suckiest minutes of my life.
Ned: Ho ho ho, suckin’ down the cider, uh? Hey, word to the wise –[shows Homer a card] season pass! It pays for itself after the sixteenth visit. You know, most people don’t know the difference between apple cider and apple juice, but I do. Now here’s a little trick to help you remember. If it’s clear and yella, you’ve got juice there, fella! If it’s tangy and brown, you’re in cider town. Now, there’s two exceptions and it gets kinda tricky here…
Homer’s Brain: Ohhh. You can stay, but I’m leaving.
Ned: … can be yellow, if they’re using late season apples. And, of course, in Canada, the whole thing’s flip-flopped. [Homer collapses]
Ned: Oh, my! I’d better get you some cider.
– Burns, Baby Burns

The Simpsons | Season 8 - Episode 4

Of course in Canada the whole thing is flip-flopped, damn Canadians! And yet, at the same time knowing the difference between Apple Cider and Apple Juice is something that has never once occurred to me. If you’re paying attention, oh reasonable reader, you might notice that I am using sparkling apple wine for this product comparison. What’s the difference between apple wine and cider? A lot to very little depending on who I choose to believe on the internet. If you would like to tell me how very wrong I am to use apple wine in place of apple cider, I would love to hear it. But please try to keep the profanity to a minimum.

Turns out Ned’s little trick works. My apple juice was clear and yella and my apple “cider” (ahem, wine) was tangy and brown. Success!

I would drink both these beverages again because apples are in everything that’s good: apple wine, apple whiskey, apple schnapps, apple martinis, uh, Snapple with vodka in it, apple nail polish remover. Even apple sauce…as long as you grind some pills into it.

Cromulence: 7 Foliages out of 10

No Fuss, No Muss: Apple Cider and Apple Juice From: Burns, Baby Burns (The Simpsons Season 8 – Episode 4)