Marge: We finally have something to put in the wall safe. Hostess Twinkies?
Homer: I heard if you age them for ten years they turn to liquor.
– Milhouse Doesn’t Live Here Anymore

The Simpsons | Season 15 - Episode 12

Well, it’s been almost five years and…still no liquor. I’m beginning to think that The Simpsons might have been lying to me about Twinkie liquor. Buuuut, you are supposed to age the Twinkie for TEN years so perhaps I just need to stop being so impatient? At the same time, I was really hoping to be able to drink my Twinkie liquor for St. Patrick’s Day.

I guess I’ll have to settle for a Twinkie cocktail instead. Except the Twinkie cocktail actually looks worse than just eating my soon-to-be mummified Twinkie. Why exactly does cake flavored vodka and whipped cream flavored vodka exist? I guess this will just be another year of pretending to be the Prime Minister of Ireland while I drink beer dyed green.

Here’s an interesting story*. I recently moved and in all the chaos of the move I thought I had actually lost my precious, precious Twinkie. While unpacking I discovered that I had, for reasons beyond my recollection, placed my five-year old Twinkie inside a shoe. This wasn’t necessarily a bad idea since the shoe provided adequate Twinkie protection. However, as someone who doesn’t always pay full attention to things (wait, what?) this could have ended with me putting my foot into the shoe and crushing the Twinkie. Anyway, here’s what the Twinkie currently looks like:

*The relative interestingness of the above story may vary from person to person.