Ralphs Grilled Crayon Sandwich Screenshot

Ralph’s Grilled Crayon Sandwich from The Simpsons

No I did NOT take a real bite of the grilled crayon sandwich. I only took a pretend bite and I’m ok with that. Chief Wiggum is much, much more dedicated to his son than I will ever be to this blog. One question I have about this recipe: did Ralph actually take a bite of this sandwich to perfect his vision on how it should taste? Given how dumb he is by this point in The Simpsons, I’m guessing there’s a strong likelihood he did.

This has been a reader request on my “to make list” for quite some time. It was suggested as an I’m Making That But I’m Not Eating That type of entry, which seemed pretty reasonable to me. The issue I ran into was how to make this grilled sandwich without getting melted crayon everywhere. I’ve already practically ruined a waffle iron with a recipe, it seemed reckless of me to ruin another kitchen device, especially on something that is completely inedible. The solution was to lightly grill the bread in a panini press before assembling the sandwich. Maybe that’s cheating, I don’t know – but I’m comfortable with my decision.


  • Bread
  • Crayons
  • Thumbtacks


Lightly butter both slices of bread and place in a panini press for 1-2 minutes. Remove and generously fill your sandwich with both crayons and thumbtacks. Tack a pretend bite.

Ralphs Grilled Crayon Sandwich

Well, after making the grilled crayon sandwich I have to say the scene where Chief Wiggum actually takes a bite is even more horrific to me now. I accidentally stabbed myself a few times while assembling this dumb sandwich, now imagine BITING down on this? Anyway, I can now proudly say that I’ve made something so terrible that even I wouldn’t eat it. Huzzah!

Cromulence: 0 Sport Fishing with Sonny Jurgensens out of 10

Ralph’s Grilled Crayon Sandwich Recipe From:  All’s Fair in Oven War (The Simpsons Season 16 – Episode 2)





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Glenn S.

Wait you didn’t take the wrappers off the crayons first? When you cook things you gotta take off the wrappers. That’s what all these frozen pizzas say.