No Fuss, No Muss: Cool Ranch Soda

No Fuss, No Muss: Cool Ranch Soda

I’ve already made Skittlebrau, so the next logical step was Cool Ranch Soda. I guess I still need to figure out what “Onions?” actually is and why it’s being sold at the 33 Cent Store. Are they vegetables that resemble onions but the farmers weren’t sure? Or do they maybe just smell vaguely of onions and so they packaged them into a box and called it a day?

As for the Cool Ranch Soda, I suppose I could have mixed some ranch dressing into water and added it to a soda stream but that felt almost disrespectful to the soda streamer. That device was not invented to make disgusting drinks, it’s supposed to be for refreshment. Besides, why make something from scratch when you can just it buy on the internet!

If you didn’t bother to read through the Lester’s Fixins site, there is an FAQ section at the bottom of the page where they discuss each of the different soda flavors:

Question: Level with me. They’re nasty, right?

Answer: Ranch Dressing was probably the craziest. I’m not a huge fan of ranch on a salad, but I didn’t hate the soda. Fans of ranch, however, would probably enjoy this one.

Notice they say “probably” and not “definitely”? I am a fan of ranch, but I’m NOT a fan of Lester’s Fixins Ranch Dressing Soda. I don’t know how anyone could be a fan of this drink. This basically tasted like sweet, carbonated ranch dressing, which is exactly what I thought it would taste like. And since it is carbonated that means the drink will continue to repeat on you, like you’ve just eaten some Cool Ranch Doritos, but you haven’t been eating delicious snacks, you’ve been drinking this insane beverage!

I’m not sure what else there is to say except, bring me my Ranch Dressing Hose! …because that’s basically the same thing as drinking this soda.

Cromulence: 0 That 70’s Show Mugs out of 10

No Fuss, No Muss Cool Ranch Soda From: Thirty Minutes Over Tokyo (The Simpsons Season 10 – Episode 23)






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Patrick Ehland

That is utterly horrifying.

Will you be trying two-year-old expired plankton certified by the Mexican Council of Food next?


But it’s…so…cheap!


I have seen sodas like this
I can’t believe you actually drank it


Still not as bad as the Lean Cuisini!


Nothing seems worse that lean cuisini
Maybe the vodka mayo thing

Patrick Ehland

The vodka-mayo disasterpiece literally made me retch.


You and me both.