Homer: I’ll make a wish that can’t backfire.  I wish for a turkey sandwich, on rye bread, with lettuce and mustard, and, AND I don’t want any zombie turkeys, I don’t want to turn into a turkey myself, and I don’t want any other weird surprises.  You got it?
[Turkey sandwich appears]
Homer: Hey! Not bad.  Nice, hot mustard. Good bread. The turkey’s a little dry. The turkey’s a little dry! Oh, foul accursed thing! What demon from the depths of hell created thee!
– Treehouse of Horror II

The Simpsons | Season 3 - Episode 7

Besides not asking for dry turkey, Homer also did not ask for tomato on his sandwich. Plus I would assume bacon was extra? And yet there it is, a extra ingredient added by the Monkey’s Paw to the turkey sandwich on rye. I know that Homer didn’t specifically ask for it, but the addition of the tomato would actually be a nice balance to that dry, dry turkey…

I like to think that the Monkey’s Paw knew what it was doing when it made the turkey a little dry. Perhaps zombie turkey would have been a better choice? I’m not sure if zombie turkey meat is inherently more or less dry than regular non-zombie turkey meat. But if anyone knows the answers to these sorts of things it’s a somewhat sentient monkey paw that messes with people’s wishes. Except it doesn’t mess with Flanders wishes for some reason?

Ingredients

• Dry Turkey Meat (try letting it sit on the counter for a few hours to reeeeally emphasis the dryness)
• Rye Bread
• Lettuce
• Mustard
• Tomato

Directions

Place bread on plate and assemble in the following order: bread, turkey, tomato, lettuce, mustard, bread.

My biggest issue with this sandwich was the rye bread. I have never really liked it because I find it a bit dense and bitter. In order to achieve dry turkey, I left the turkey cold cuts it to sit out for a few hours, which is questionable from a food safety standard but I suffer for my art. I didn’t get sick but I think that is more a result of all the preservatives in the turkey than anything else. Or maybe I just have a natural immunity to vaguely dangerous cold cuts? Overall, Homer was right to curse the Monkey Paw and the sandwich it created. Next time, it’s zombie turkey or nothing.

Cromulence: 5 Bonerlands out of 10

Monkey’s Paw Turkey Sandwich Recipe From: Treehouse of Horror II (The Simpsons Season 3 – Episode 7)