Marge: Honey, please. You’re in the way.
Bart: Can’t I help you mom?
Marge: Well, ok. Let’s see. Can you do the cranberry sauce.
Bart: Yeah. Where is it?
Marge: The can is in the cupboard on the bottom shelf.
Bart: Here?
Marge: No, no, no. The other shelf.
Bart: Got it. Now what?
Marge: Open the can.
Bart: No problemo. Where’s the can opener?
Marge: It’s in the second drawer from the right. No, no, no, no. The other one.
Bart: Oh! I gotcha. It’s broken, Mom. Mom, it’s broken. Mom-it’s-brok-en, Mom-it’s-brok-en, Mom-it’s-brok-en, Mom-it’s-brok-en….
Marge: I don’t think that it’s broken honey. Here, let me try. Here you go.
Bart: Ah, cranberry sauce a la Bart.
Marge: Just stick it in the refrigerator when you’re done Bart. Bart?
– Bart vs. Thanksgiving

The Simpsons | Season 2 - Episode 7

I’ll admit, recreating the Cranberry Sauce a la Bart recipe is a little lazy. But at the same time I so rarely get to feature Bart related recipes that are non-alcoholic. Wait, is that right? Plus, sometimes I’m a little lazy too. And surly. And sometimes I’m lazy AND surly, what’s it to you?

Ingredients

• Can of cranberry sauce

Note: any brand of cranberry sauce from a can will do. I recommend using the cheapest variety because it’s cranberry sauce and literally two people like it at any given turkey dinner meal anyway.

Directions

Inspect your can opener to ensure it is not, in fact, broken. If it IS broken, you will probably need to get your mom to help you with that. Open the can and plank the cranberry sauce inside a dish. Walk away while someone else (again, probably your mom) puts the cranberry sauce into the fridge for you.

How can this even be considered a sauce when it can stand upright like that? If anything, this should be called cranberry jelly or something because sauces aren’t meant to be eaten with a knife and fork. It seems like people either need cranberry sauce for a turkey dinner or they don’t. No one goes half in on the cranberry, either you pile it on with turkey or you avoid it like the awful “sauce” that it is.

I basically never eat cranberry sauce. At the same time, I don’t dislike it’s taste when it’s homemade. But it does rank pretty low on my  personal sauce scale. I’ll reveal that super interesting and informative scale in another post. So let’s split this one down the middle and call it a day, I’m sleepy from all the turkey.

Cromulence: 5 Marjory Stoneman Douglas’ out of 10

Cranberry Sauce á la Bart Recipe From: Bart vs. Thanksgiving (The Simpsons Season 2 – Episode 7)